17 months

that pretty much says it all. just add oodles to that…

i miss you heaps!

16 months

distance never separates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. but whenever i start feeling sad, because i miss you, i remind myself how lucky i am to have someone so special to miss. distance means so little when someone means so much.

quotable quotes why i left my heart in iloilo

“eeeww!!!” i wrote this? hayaan na ang konting kahibangan ko noon. :s

**********

it’s funny how signature shirts that read “i left my heart in _________” have no marketing significance for me at all. but for whatever reason, it’s the “in” thing for souvenir-shop goers. however, a recent trip of mine got me contemplating that this is more than just a shirt design but a fact that hit me hard on the head.

cast of characters:

sir – the he-who-is-not-meant-to-be; the one who heartnapped me

ma’am – yours truly

• a great night-out at imay’s and pirates during my first night there was concluded by an escorted ride to my hotel to make sure, according to sir, that i was brought home safely and in one piece by my driver.  sir was just there behind my convoy. before sleeping, i texted him my thanks and appreciation,

ma’am: sir, thanks for the night. sensha kung nadistorbo ko po kayo. i had a great time. halong papuli. good night.

sir: i had a great time too, ma’am. ok lang yun basta ikaw. good night.

• after two failed attempts in our quest for the perfect beach place to stay overnight to accommodate my chillaxin’ request,

ma’am: am i causing too much trouble already? it’s getting late na tapos we’re not settled yet.

sir: no, ma’am, no. it’s definitely fine.

ma’am: (back riding in silence, feeling guilty despite sir’s attempt to assure me that everything’s fine)

sir: (noticing that he didn’t sound quite convincing the first time) ok lang ma’am. sabi nga nila, it’s not the destination but the journey and the person you’re with.

• a walk along the beach was the perfect thing to do that sunday dawn with clear skies filled with stars and very cooperative weather. how could i say no to sir’s invitation (when he’s half the reason why i didn’t want my weekend to end)?

ma’am: (pointing at a special star in the sky) yan ang southern cross. star namin yan ni manong and ni ex.

sir: diin? i couldn’t make out a cross. all i see are stars. yun lang.

ma’am: ayan o… (outlining the group of stars that resembled a cross) in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the holy spirit.

sir: hehe, i’m just kidding. i also love the stars. if you’re also fond of the stars and the southern cross, then there probably were nights when we were just looking at the same star.

josko! totoo na itoh? i think i heard an imaginary musical scoring: we’ll be wishing on the same star//looking at the same moon//when i’m thinking ‘bout you baby//are you thinking of me too//and no matter where i go//i’ll be there with you//wishing on the same star//looking at the same moon (kung mali ang lyrics, pardon my song hits syndrome)

• tired from the seeming death march cum walk with faith on the moon, sir suggested for us to have a seat on the shore.

 

sir: (taking off his new honda jacket) dito ka maupo o.

ma’am: ngek! are you sure? bago kaya yan. pauupuan mo lang sa akin?

sir: sus! mas special ka pa jan.

and may i upo naman ang beauty ko with a hidden silly smile on my face. baka kasi makita nyang ngumingiti ako eh.

• during lunchtime, we were sharing a good laugh only the two of us understood from the bonding moment we had during the walk earlier that day,

ma’am: sabi sayo di ako judgmental eh. tolerant pa nga eh.

sir: hahaha! hay naku bam, diin ka tong soltero pa ko man?

oops!

• before calling it a weekend, he held my lighter that he had been borrowing since i arrived,

sir: bam, gaano ka-special sayo ang lighter na ‘to?

ma’am: bigay sakin yan ni manong ko. yellow pa sya at may small flashlight which i could use sa dilim kasi bulag nga ako sa dilim, di ba?

sir: ah so ganon pala talaga ‘to ka-special sayo? sige…

ma’am: sige, you can have that. 

4:00pm, i headed for bacolod with a nothing but heavy bags and a heavier heart. it has been five hours since i left iloilo and eight hours since i last saw him. ten or so hours since he made me kilig with his sweet nothings, be it said with meaning or just plain “wala lang,” yet the sound of his voice resounds so clearly in my head.

regardless of what it suggested, i know this stupidity of the heart had to stop somewhere… and that somewhere, i know, is the port of iloilo. but then again, i couldn’t deny the fact that i left my heart there… with him. no matter how hard i try to put up an indomitable front, i am still vulnerable inside. so until i become invincible, i’ve got one more request from you: sir, paki-pouch naman po ng heart ko sa head office. sa gb cam building, monteverde street, davao city. i’ll be there by thursday. make sure you no longer took even a teensy part of it. bring it back to me unscathed. please?

originally posted on march 31, 2007 @ multiply blogs

farewell is not goodbye

he was the apple of my eye then. an inspiration that got me getting up every morning to go to work. but he was never mine. glad that he wasn’t coz he’s now a very good friend. what we have is a friendship that knows no distance. even if we don’t talk much and he has a new lovelife (me too, btw), i’m just happy at how we are right now. thanks to what we were before. *wink!*

**********

"farewell is not gooodbye." ~~ that was what he told me before we parted ways yesterday night.

ok, a lil enlightenment... the guy i was referring to in my previous blog and the guy i'm about to write about (yah, about) incidentally carries the same body (and name, and scent, and smile, blah, blah, blah). yah, sya nga! after my making-a-fool-outta-myself drama, here i am still subjecting myself to utter foolishness. (another word for foolishness, please? uhm... bamba?) see, i can't be anybody close to a "special somebody" to this someone coz somebody owns this special somebody for me and calls him her special someone already... for three years now. gets? i vowed never to talk to and with him again to stop the what-he-calls gayuma of his from mounting up my systems. i don't think i love him or anywhere close to that yet (thank heavens!) but it's just that as the days went by, we're identified as each other's. we became an instant item, so to put it. and the more i resist (bcoz of some sane pledge), the more i find myself enjoying every minute and every thought of it... undeniably. it's like having a grade one crush all over again. the kilig factor is just so endearing! someone has put a smile on my face again. that certain kind of smile that kills... me.

then profession called for us to take a break from each other. i thought, "what's in it for me then? he's nothing more than a friend so why be bothered with his anticipated temporary distance?" there are really times in some friends' lives when they have to be away for a while, not to forget about, but to strengthen the bond. not to make it difficult, but to make it easier. as he was preparing the documents he needed to bring along, he confessed that as preparations neared completion, the heavier his heart got for he, too, dreaded the goodbye part of the fairy tale. what dah?! talk about complexities, huh? talk about making things easier, right?!

the approval of his cash advance request signaled it... he was ready to go. "this is really it," i read. and yes it was! we cheerfully walked the block, filling each other with the day's events, unmindful of the verity of his interim departure. i may have hated goodbye's but as he said, this is just a farewell... and farewell's are not goodbye's.

nobody now would consume the more significant hours of my day through skype chat, which i delight in the most. that brief coffee moment we used to share every morning at the pantry... the chupa chups strawberry and cream i used to enjoy every afternoon... he'd be gone for 20 days (or so, he said), yet he only left me seven sachets of green tea. it coudn't last that long... he needs to come back before i run short, er, out of supply. the two-block walk after work as we head home... the happiness i feel with his company... all that and more, i am starting to miss. nineteen more days to count as i patiently await the coming home of a friend whom i share a special something with. whatever that "special" means, we both know we're not taking a step further than that...  (little bamba on my shoulder: defensive ka yata?! di kaya?)

i woke up awfully early today (like 3:30AM) and felt a bit odd. more like a paradigm shift has hit my helmet bad and broke it. in the silence of my neighborhood, his words echoed, "farewell is not goodbye." i wasn't feeling the sadness like last night's, neither the emptiness or the somewhat longing. all i felt was the surge of excitement to start a brand new day and face the challenges that await me and my work. to top my morning with irony, i saw the bus that took him away from me (and to the tuna capital of mindanao) on my way to heed the call of my profession.

no more unreasonable sadness, in lieu, all smiles for a wonderful, extraordinary comradeship and lotsa positive vibes to get me through that 20 days or even more. all fairy tales have happy endings... and if we're in the realm of one, i know a happy, friendly ending looms somewhere, some time, after 20 days. but then again, today is just day one.

originally posted on october 4, 2006 @ friendster blogs

foolish heart... foolish me

i was awfully single-blessed when i wrote this entry. pathetic as i can ever be, i WAS infatuated with an officemate-friend-badminton-buddy who i practically spent most of my time with then. i don’t think i was in love with him, more of just happy, secure and comfortable with his company that his absence somehow affected me. we were an “item” or so i thought. until truth came out that he was in a long-term relationship. i was then confronted with how to carry myself with poise after knowing what i didn’t want to know but had to know coz most of the people we know, already knows.

**********

something just dawned on me yesterday and came like a hard slap in the face. damn! don't wanna go into the gory details of this experience i don't wanna remember for as long as i live so lemme just share with you some songs that best describe how i'm feeling right now... since yesterday afternoon

sing it!

can't believe that i'm a fool again

i thought this love would never end

how was i to know

you never told me

don't give me that jologs-killer look in your eyes. i'm not a follower of westlife or anything but neither am i a cynic of the group. i just find their lines fit for what i am loudly whispering since the bugging truth came out from the horse's mouth yesterday.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~   * * * * * * * * * *  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

foolish heart, hear me calling

stop before you start falling

foolish heart, heed my warning

you've been wrong before

don't be wrong anymore

yah i know i'm a fool. you need not tell me that a gazillion times to constantly remind me. the title of this song becomes foolish me when i sing it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~  * * * * * * * * * *  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

rain outside my window pouring down                                                     

what now, you're gone, my fault, i'm sorry

feeling like a fool cause i let you down

now it's too late to turn it around

how can i not see that i'm again making a fool outta myself these past few weeks, er, months na pala. at least i haven't invested that much yet. (yah, right gurl!)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~  * * * * * * * * * *  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

i'd rather you be mean than love and lie

i'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye

i'd rather take a blow at least then i would know

but baby don't you break my heart slow

as i was making my way towards the ladies' room after reading the news from him, i thought i was fighting back tears but nothing fell. i was just staring blankly at nothingness. (just imagine my girl, jasmine, breezing through the crowded airport tagging along her lame dad, oblivious of the world around her knowing that she can't be with julian anymore.) didn't even notice i entered the room with a door sign that reads, "male" ~ oops! sowee... (little bamba on bambacute's shoulder's note: too much my girl for this gurl!)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~  * * * * * * * * * *  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

i saw him this morning, i saw him before lunch, i saw him just a while ago... damn! he just passed by in front of me... now this little bamba on my shoulder whispered something, "foolish you!" bug off, you crap! i just don't understand why he had to make me believe in pretentions all these time. i don't know if i'm hurting or heart broken or mad or sad. all i know is i'm feeling like a fool for falling into a trap i already once fell into. but i didn't see the signs! hell!

nah this is nothing deeply serious... i was just taken aback at the unexpected revelation. and close to livid having found out i was the last to know. aaarrrghh!!! foolish me! oh well, at least i owe him gratitude for having the balls to finally blurt the truth out before i really fall for him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~  * * * * * * * * * *  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

cause it's my first broken heart

my dreams within have ended

it's my first broken heart

i don't know how to mend it

tell me where do i start

cause it's my first broken heart                  

(first broken heart ka jan... wa ka kilati'g colored?!?)  

originally posted on august 26, 2006 @ friendster blogs

i, too, am

pondered on he never gave me flowers... 

"chase is better than the capture," as others would put it. it sure is! i, too, am a sentimental person. i love to be pampered and cared. i appreciate sweet nothings. i have a weakness for romantic, touchy guys. i am keen on being adored. and flowers knock me off my feet more than a man's physical features. why not? flowers, apart from chocolates, are made for gurls. (not for some, though.)

i, too, am a sucker for my guy's steady nature and i simply love the warm feeling and the comfort when i lean against him. but my guy's not perfect. he's nobody fancy. but i salute his patience and perseverance during those long agonizing days of courtship to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

from the premise that nothing's perfect, our relationship's not that too. we pick up fights, we get on each other's nerves, we argue. ours is no different from a rollercoaster ride. (cliché, huh?) and he never gave me flowers. er, he did, twice. once while courting and second during our first month. given this fact, i can't help but picture my small room adorned with yellow flowers from guy hopefuls back then. then changes slowly got to my senses and fear sunk in. i find myself yearning for that sensitivity, maturity and the once-romantic moments. all these and more hinanakits here and there but everything just all come down to one simple fact: i love him in spite and despite these all.

then i came to terms with myself. why the hell would i turn him into someone he’s not? why turn a bat’s color to white? why make the moon rise in the morning? everybody is created with sets of uniqueness. be it in physique, upbringing, character, attitude, beliefs, and the like. my guy’s a unique creation. he has his own principles and is driven by his own ideals. for seven months now i have bombarded myself with questions i still do not have answers to. but then again why bother looking for explanations human beings can’t fathom and only God can?

instead of whining why he’s this and not that and why doesn’t he wanna write me a friendster testimony and why doesn’t he wanna give me flowers anymore (and the list continues)… why not be happy for who and what i have without asking for anything more? i am one hell of a lucky hominid for being provided for. not all people get what they want and from the very moment i felt i wanted him more than anybody else, he simply came right at my doorstep, knocked at my door and offered himself without reservations. lucky me!

i used to say i don’t have standards but deep inside i know i do. but whether or not my man passed my standards, i feel blessed having him around. standards are just a touchstone, a paradigm not mandated to be adhered to. just freed my spirit and let my heart do the talking.

now, if i ask him to get the flower on top of the mountain cliff and mean his death, then who would fix my YM and chikka during those times when these programs wouldn't seem to cooperate with me? whose legs would climb up to the 5th floor of mintrade building if i left something behind? (though the elevator is a big help.) who would map a network drive for me if i get lost looking for a shared folder? who would understand my mood swings and tantrums whenever my "good friend" visits me every month? who's creative, close to insane, mind would cheer me up during those lowly times? (a good comic relief is by the way, the way he dances.) whose chinito eyes would gaze deep into my set of chinita ones and tell me something reassuring scaring my worries away? whose arms would lock me in a tight embrace sending my fears to pluto? (er, tao po ako, di unan) whose feet would fit my blue tweety bedroom slippers which is 3.5 inches bigger than my feet? whose fingers perfectly fit the spaces in mine even if they’re twice as big?

loving is exposing myself to risks. risks include being hurt. being hurt is just something i can get over with in time. but my choi? he came once before and i almost lost him. that is the risk i am about to take if i pressure this man to live by my guidelines and specifications. now, all i know is i love my man, my choi... even without the flowers. screw the flowers! (mmm… a small bouquet or two from time to time would do no hurt, though. hint, hint!)

originally posted on may 18, 2005 @ friendster blogs

he never gave me flowers

my husband is an Engineer by profession, i love him for his steady nature, and i love the warm feeling when i lean against his broad shoulders. three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, i would have to admit, that i am getting tired of it. the reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.

i am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, i yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. my husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love.

one day, i finally decided to tell him my decision, that i wanted a divorce. "why?" he asked, shocked. "i am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!" i answered.

he kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times. my feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can't even express his predicament, what else can i hope from him?

and finally he asked me: "what can i do to change your mind?" somebody said it right, it's hard to change a person's personality, and i guess, i have started losing faith in him. looking deep into his eyes i slowly answered : "here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, i will change my mind. let's say, i want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?"

he said : "i will give you your answer tomorrow...." my hopes just sank by listening to his response.

i woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....

"my dear, i would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further.." this first line is already breaking my heart. i continued reading. 

"when you use the computer you always mess up the software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, i have to save my fingers so that i can help to restore the programs. 

you always leave the house keys behind, thus i have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.

you love traveling but always lose your way in a new city. i have to save my eyes to show you the way.

you always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month, i have to save my palms so that i can calm the cramps in your tummy.

you like to stay indoors, and i worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. i have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.

you always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, i have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, i can help to clip your nails, and help to remove those annoying white hairs. so i can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand. and tell you the color of the flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face.

thus, my dear, unless i am sure that there is someone who loves you more than  do, i could not pick that flower yet, and die."

my tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting. and as i continue on reading...

"now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for i am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk.

i rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk

bottle and loaf of bread.

now i am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and i have decided to leave the flower alone.

that's life, and love. when one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form. he never gave me flowers, but now i know flowers and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. under all this, the pillar of true love stands. and that's our life... love, not words win arguments.

originally posted on may 16, 2005 @ friendster blogs